Lose Weight Dammit!

"Lose weight, dammit." Yep, this is what I say to myself every morning as I stare into the depths of the evil mirror.  "Mirror, Mirror on the wall.  Who's the frumpiest of them all." Again, that would be me.

Normally, I say these words and then do nothing.  I loathe myself as I crawl through yet another day of stagnant activity and over indulgent eating.

So this morning, I finally ventured off to the gym, for the first time in months.  My clients will just have to wait.  I need this for me, except the entire time I'm trudging through the workout, I'm looking around comparing myself to every other person in the room.  "At least I'm not like that guy."  "Oh, I wonder if she has kids.  Nah, probably not, she looks too darn good."  "I hope I look like her when I'm that age."  "Yikes, it could be worse."

It's funny.  In high school, it was the popular girls and magazine models that were the measurement for my self worth (physically at least).  Of course, that ship has sailed.  Now, I find myself envying non-moms or those who freakishly and miraculously revert back to cuteness 10 seconds after they give birth.  Just look at their stretch free skin and perky boobs.  Maybe my goal should be to simply not look like a mom.

Reality check, ladies.  I am never going to look a 22 year old again.  Ironically though, until recently, I was still hanging on to my size 2, extra tiny pre-pregnancy clothes.  Even if I did get back down to my former weight, a good 20 lbs from where I am now, my form is so drastically different, they'll never fit the same.  Off they went to the Goodwill.  It was a sad and dreary day when I let go of pre-existence and embraced the reality of my forever frumpiness.

However, just because I'm never going to look like a super model or even a B-list celebrity, it doesn't mean I have to walk around unhealthy and self-loathing.  If I don't like what I see, I should stop the laziness and put my butt in motion, literally.

So I thought I'd throw out an idea to my fellow supermoms.  Why not be each other's accountability?  Whether you are doing Weight Watchers or another diet program (names of which have completely left my brain), planning on working out at the Y on on your Wii Fit, let's support one another; help each other reach our  goals.  What do you say?  You in?

Pampered Chef Fundraiser

What a great way to help raise money for More than Moms.  We come, we shop, we get great kitchen and dining tools, and MTM gets a check.  How much easier can it be?

When Tiffany, one of our sponsors, called and asked if we could do a show on the 21st, I asked if we could do it as a fundraiser even though we don't have tax exempt status.  She said as long as we have a checking account and are recognized at the state level, we're good to go.  Check and check!!!

Here's how it works:  we'll have a normal cooking show, food to sample, recipes to take home, and products to test out.  Then 10 - 15% of our total sales come back to us in the form of a check. So it's key to not only get as many people as we can to my house on the 21st, but we need to spread the word, have friends and neighbors order online, circulate it around Facebook and Twitter, and whatever we can think of to increase our sales.

Check out TIffany's website to see the newest catalog.  http://www.pamperedchef.biz/tpc2006 You can order online if you can't make the party.  So can your friends and family, even if they live far, far away. Just put in More than Moms as the organization/host.

Let's make this first fundraiser a big one.

Also, check out the guest special for February.  It's AWESOME! Think Free Batter Bowl.

http://www.pamperedchef.biz/skins/sites/pdf/en_US/gs_11feb_en_us.pdf

Check out my new column

It's no secret.  I love to write and now I can finally do it beyond the simple musings of a blog.  A couple of weeks ago I was given the opportunity to write a column for a new hyper-local online news source powered by AOL, Patch.com.   Basically it breaks the news down by cities and towns.  Catonsville has it's very own Patch site, and I have my very own column, "Behind the Cape."  It's all about being a mom and a real one at that.  I also get to share fun activities and great deals.  What an experience!

You can check it out and let me know what you think. In fact, I'd love to hear from you in the comments section of the article.  The more people read, the more I get to keep writing.  And we all know that writing keeps me sane.  This week's column is entitled "Confessions of an Ungratefulholic."

Worthwhile

Why is it that the people closest to us have the power to make us feel like dirt and a complete stranger or an old friend can lift us up with one kind word?  What is it about human nature that allows us to treat the people we love with such disrespect? Why do we have this uncanny ability to shut off our own humanity in order to ignore another’s?

Then again, why do even we allow how we feel about ourselves to be dictated by the opinions of others?  Why do we put people on such pedestals with such high expectations that their doomed to fall and fall hard? 

Despite what it may look like on the outside, there are times that I feel like a complete failure, failure as a wife, a mother, a housekeeper, a Christian.  You get the point.  Notice how I didn’t include my political life even though we just lost big time.  Or More than Moms or the neighborhood association?  Sometimes I think I bring these things into my life so that I have an outlet where I don’t feel like a complete loser, where I’m appreciated, where I’m more like a superstar.  Okay, maybe I’m reaching a bit, but again, you get the point.  

One would have to argue though…Hillary, if you dropped all this other stuff, wouldn’t then have a ton of  time to invest in your family so that you weren’t such a big fat L?  While that may be a true statement, I’m not all that convinced that much would change.  Sure, my house and my kids would be cleaner.  I’d cook better meals and possibly be able to detach myself from my Blackberry, but wouldn’t I lose my identity in the process?  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom (really I do), but I’ve fought hard to not just be a mom.  I wanted to have an identity of my own, not just someone’s wife or mother.  I’m certainly no June Cleaver but I’m not Peggy Bundy either.  Maybe I’m going through my own little identity crisis right now…heck, maybe it’s a midlife crisis. 

This morning I was sitting with a couple girlfriends talking about this very topic.  Where does our self worth come from?  The question arose:  What do you do when you doubt if God loves you?  One of the girls said that it didn’t seem like a relevant question to her because she’s never really struggled with it.  But when you look at it from a little different perspective, it’s a perfectly reasonable question. 

If we’re seeking our self worth in the eyes of others, our husbands, our kids, our friends and colleagues, then maybe that reveals a deeper issue within us…maybe we do doubt in God’s love for us, at least in his unconditional love for us.  And that makes perfect sense to me.  Of course I struggle with understanding his unconditional love for me because the only love I can comprehend is conditional.  Love without reason is hard to find even amongst Christians.  We constantly tie strings to our affections and it seems that the closer we are to someone, the more strings there are.  I happen to believe that those strings are tied to expectations. 

Whether we admit it or not, we set expectations for the people in our lives, normally much higher than they are even capable of attaining, and we get hurt.  We allow those unmet expectations to define us, to determine how we feel about ourselves.  It’s all one big fat lie, and yet we don’t recognize it.  Even I struggle to see that.  I allow myself to be hurt, to feel like a loser, to invite myself to countless pity parties for one.  Just because someone I love treats me like I don’t matter doesn’t mean that I don’t, right?  Why is it so hard to believe that?

A New Direction on the Same Old Path

I know, I know, I've neglected my blog.  Heck, I pretty much neglected everything in my life over the last couple of months.  And for what?  We lost the election.  Don't worry, I haven't gone off the deep end, and I'm not buying a one way ticket to my very own pity party island.  It is what it is, and to be quite honest, I have no regrets, or at least not many. 

I never thought my path would lead me here.  Politics?  Neighborhood Association? Mom's Group? Who would have thunk?  Looking back over the last year or so, I feel like I've stumbled upon myself.  If only I would have had this amount of confidence in who I am way back in the day, who knows where I would have been.  Don't get my wrong, I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but as you get older (and a bit wiser), you do start to wonder...what if I had made different decisions?  What if I made more decisions on my own instead of on what other people expected of me?  What if I had believed in myself and my potential?  Of course I don't want any of this to come across as arrogant.  I just feel like it took a very windy and crooked path in order for me to see the real me.  Some people saw it way before I did, and I'm sorry I didn't believe them.  Regardless of what path I took, I'm glad I'm here now. 

I love politics. It's meaty and complicated, frustrating as all get out yet familiar and refreshing.  Would it be easier to be back in Georgia where it's more red than blue? Absolutely, but would it be as challenging to my character? Probably not.  Plus, here I get to be a somewhat medium fish in a very small pond.  In a Red State, I'd be more like a minnow in a vast and wide ocean. 

I love being a mom.  Three kids under 6 presents its share of challenges.  Believe me, there is never a dull moment.  Sure, in most of those moments I'm left wondering if I'll have any hair left at the end.  But as much I fought against it, I love that my identity is entwined in those three lovable bundles of energy and personality.  More than Moms gives me the opportunity to not only fellowship with other moms, but to learn from and be shaped by their wisdom and even grow together through our triumphs and our mistakes.  And now that More than Moms is taking on a great and exciting new cause, non-profitdom,  I can't wait to see where we'll end up.

I love being a business owner.  Strategic Victory Consulting has certainly surprised me over the last few months.  What we thought would be a political venture has turned into so much more.  We get to watch businesses grow, most of the time from tiny little sprouts.  Betsy and I are both learning the extent of our skill sets and how they can work together for good, and not evil.  He he he.  If you want to know more about what we're doing, check out our website.  While you're there, join our email list. 

I love our neighborhood, as well as living in Catonsville.  Close your ears, Mom.  It's almost like we've found our home...at least for now.  I haven't completely given up on the South, but Oak Crest and Catonsville have provided us with a place we can finally feel comfortable.  From the house to the tree-shaded streets to the active community association (which I now lead...scary), it's like our own little slice of Mayberry, only less antiquated.

And now for the gran finale...I love to write.  And now I get the opportunity to do so and get paid.  WHAT?  I know, crazy, huh?  There is this new hyper-local news source, powered by AOL, called Patch.com.  Catonsville has it's very own Patch site and I will be a weekly columnist.  No, I will not be writing about politics.  I'm pretty sure I'm too biased for that.  However, I will be writing about two other loves in my life...motherhood and deal seeking.  My column launches early next week, so keep an eye out for that.  My dad would be so proud.

God, What are you doing?

A few months ago, my pastor, TJ, told me to pray, "God, what are you doing?"  As opposed to always asking why, this way I'm asking God to reveal His plan.

Sometimes I just have to sit back and watch.  What else can I do?  Right now, I feel like my life is on autopilot, or God-pilot.  I'm not sure even how to explain it.  If you had asked me two weeks ago if I would be where I am today, I would have thought you were crazy.  Then again, you might actually be crazy, so there you go.

Regardless, it's crazy.  Two weeks ago, or a little more than, I was a mom and a camp director.  I had very little time left over for anything else, including play group, politics or neighborhood associations.  When I "resigned" from camp, it was almost as if I was walking down a path in the woods and suddenly it opened up into a large, beautiful, open meadow, a clearing per say.  The box shattered into a million pieces.  Suddenly, I'm not sure what the future holds, but I'm absolutely positive that the Lord is all up in it.

First, there is More than Moms.  Wow did that take off?  I never realized there was such a need for an organized, community like group until I created it.  There are some hungry moms out there, and I am one of them.

Then there is politics, something I've struggled with for a long time.  Finally, I felt the freedom to throw in my hat (not that I actually wear one), and I've found the doors opening left and right.  I'm able to write, which is super fun, for the local Republican blog.  I'm planning events for candidates...okay, just one for now.

And now there is the neighborhood association.  I know, I know.  I said I would only do one, either politics or the association, but as long as it doesn't interfere in my priorities, why can't I do it all.  Wait a second, Hillary, I thought you were frustrated with the board.  I was, I am, but in a conversation with the seated president this afternoon, I found that I can actually have more of an impact on the neighborhood if I'm part of the board.  Plus, it helps that Susan asked me to run for Vice President (not that it's a competitive election or anything).  I talked it over with Neil and we decided it was a good idea.  You know I'm always full of ideas and this way, I actually have a forum to voice some of those ideas (and even the power to implement some).

Still not sure what God is doing, but I have a strong feeling that all of these things are connected.  One day I'll look back and go "ooooohhhh, now I get it."  Until then, I'm simply going to enjoy the ride.  It always makes me feel good to know that my God-given talents are being put to use.  I guess one could say I like to be used.

What Now?

If only one could see all that is flying around in this small little head of mine. Seriously in the past week, I've been sad, confused, excited, sad again, lost, found, stressed, sad again, relaxed (not too much of that), and on fire. I've literally run the gamut of emotions. Who would have thought? But mostly, I've been praying for vision. I feel lost without one. I'm still not sure what role I'll play in new church, at least not in the long run, but I'm excited to do whatever I can to help. In the meantime, I feel like I need something to pour myself into. But what?

My first thought was my family. I know, it seems like a given right? And it should be, but pouring myself into my family would isolate me from the rest of the world. I'm not much of a loner. Okay, I really don't do good at all when I'm away from "adult" human contact. Yes, I am that strong of an extrovert. So i started thinking of ways that I could invest in my family and still have strong, interpersonal relationships with other moms, women, human beings.

Then I get an email from evite. It's the RSVP summary for playgroup. Playgroup, huh? And I started thinking? What if playgroup wasn't just a playgroup? What if it was more purposeful, more defined, more about supporting each other than just playing? Hhhmmm, this certainly gave me something to think about. But what would it look like?

So I started praying, and brainstorming, and chatting with others, and more praying and came up with More than Moms. Define it how you will, whether it opens us up to dads and nannies or implies that we're not just moms, but strong, intelligent women created by God to love Him and love others. Aside from continuing to host playgroup and creating a Facebook page for the group, I'm still in the brainstorming phase. If you have any ideas, please let me know. I see so many possibilities, such potential.

Please continue to pray for this new venture, and where ever God would have me long term. Also, pray for Camp as it evolves without me. Not that it's going to suffer, but there will be some changes and I pray that the Vision Team and leadership will have the wisdom to know how to move forward.

I also covet prayer for the new Fusion Church. This Sunday we're back at Grace. Pray for those still undecided as to where their community lies, where they want to invest. Pray for the interim elder team who are discussing things like name, location, doctrine, etc...! Wow, there is so much to pray for, I could go on and on for days. Let's just say...PRAY!