Dilemmas

Neil asked me last night when I thought I might come home. My answer remains, "I don't know." I wish I did. It would be so much easier if I had some sort of crystal ball to look into the future and see exactly what is going to happen. But we all know that it doesn't exist. Whether or not I stay depends on so much more than me. First of all, there's my dad. Then there are my kids and my mother in law. There's how much I miss my husband. I'm sure the list could go on and on. At this point, I don't feel like I can leave, and am not planning on it until at least this weekend. After that, we'll just have to see how things are going. Of course my father-in-law has threatened me within an inch of my life if I leave before he gets back in town, which should be this weekend.

For now, I'm staying put and attempting to be useful. My other dilemma stems from my cousin's wedding. It's on the 19th in Warner Robins. He's very important to me, so I really want to be there...really! But it's two and a half weeks from now, and I'm not sure how happy Neil would be with me if I came home then turned around and came back. It's not just the wedding though, my mom will be there and I'll have a chance to see my grandparents. So I'm praying that it will all work out and I can do everything.

Lastly, I'm beginning to get a little frustated that Neil hasn't heard anything back about this job in Athens. Remember my "trick or treat" blog, well, I'm starting to feel a little tricked. Granted, I realize that God doesn't do those sort of things, trick us, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel that way. It's been a week and a half since the interview and we haven't heard a thing, not even a "no." It's hard to not start doubting. But really, what am I suppose to have faith in. Am I allowed to trust God for the job? What if it's not in his plan? What if He was just testing me to see if I was actually ready and willing to stay in Maryland? To be honest, especially with all that is happening with my dad, I don't want to stay anymore, and I'm afraid that this interview thing might just throw be back on the side of discontentment. That's not what I want, but I can already feel it starting to seep in. Do you realize how much easier all these "dilemmas" would be if I lived an hour and a half away? They wouldn't even exist.

Most of my car rides back and forth to the hospital involve conversations with God. I think I've spent more time with him in the last week or so then I have in the past two months. Funny how it's in the dark times that we see our need at it's clearest. They've been good conversations, though most end in tears.

I keep going back to the summer after I graduated college. Now bare with me on this story, it's a little complicated. My BFF Jo was going to China for a year. I was working as a wilderness counselor out in Colorado. Jo was scheduled to leave for training the week before I was scheduled to come home. I don't know why, but it seemed very important to me to see Jo before she left. So I asked my boss, John, if I could leave camp a week early. Due to the fact we were understaffed that last week, he couldn't let me go. I was devastated, but I didn't give up. I prayed and asked God to move mountains and take me home in time to see her. Time passed and nothing changed. About a week and a half before she left, she called to tell me that she had a layover in Denver for about an hour and a half. John thought that this was my answer to my prayer. He even offered to take me up to Denver, but you know what, I wasn't satisfied. Something in me told me to not stop believing, and I didn't. People kept telling me to just be happy with this wonderful blessing of a few rushed moments at the airport. But I wasn't. I just kept praying that God would let me go home.

It was the Monday of the second to last week of camp. We had a group there from the inner city of Chicago. I was sitting in the cafeteria when John walked up and asked to speak with me for a moment. He seemed very serious, and I literally thought to myself, "what did I do this time?" "Hills," he said (no one knew me by my actual name), "I'm gonna have to send you home." "What?" I screeched, "Are you kidding me?" Turns out, the Dad/Teen camp scheduled for the last week had been cancelled due to both participants having to back out at the last minute. By the way, I feel really bad for the guy who had to fall off his ladder so I could see Jo, but I don't think I could have been happier. It took me a long time to realize this, but God sending me home early to see Jo had more to do with God's glory then me getting what I wanted. It wasn't just me that saw Him work in that situation. The entire staff at Eagle Lake stood in awe that day.

I almost lost my best friend that year due to some silly girl issues, but seeing what God was willing to do for us, investing in our friendship, helped both of us fight our way back to each other. When I think about "coming home" again, I can't help but remember the time that God moved mountains for me. I just pray he'll do it again, strengthening not only my faith, but Neil's, and all of those standing around us waiting to see what God is going to do.