Trepidation...that's a good word to describe how I'm feeling right now. Why? Because I'm pregnant with our third child, selling our house, and have no idea what the future really holds. Sure we have a few ideas. Chances are we'll sell our house sometime in the near future and find a new house somewhere in this region. We'll have the baby, maybe a girl, and we'll have three kids. But none of that is certain. The house may not sell, despite all the work we've put into it. Neil may be considered for a job down south, but that feels like a long shot. Have you ever been at one of those times in your life where you feel completely helpless? That's where I am; I have no control, and absolutely no clue as to what is going to happen. We have no choice but the trust in God's perfect plan for our lives. Sounds cliche doesn't it? I know. Dad would have called it trite, but he wasn't much big on trusting in anyone but himself. But it is a cliche. I hear this all the time, "You just have to trust in God." Tell me, what does that look like exactly? Is there a 12 step program for faith? I get the definition, and I know, in theory, what it is, but when it comes to practice, I can't seem to get myself out of the way. It's my human nature to want to be in control, and trusting God means I have to give up my control. But how do I get rid of my human nature? Can I toss it out with the garbage? I could, but I know within minutes, I'd be down at the curb sifting through dirty diapers and chunks of moldy food (which I should be composting) to find it. So this all brings me back to how I can trust God with all these confusing aspects of my life without myself getting in the way? The answer? I don't know. If I knew, I'd have nothing to write about this morning.
As of right now, we have a plan. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps," Prov. 16:9. Sell the house, move, have a baby. That's our plan. Doesn't sound well planned out, does it? There is certainly no certainty in any of that. When will the house sell? And for how much? Where will we move? Will God provide a job for Neil down south just in the nick of time? Or will we move to another area around here? What can we afford? What school district should be in, and how will it affect Neil's commute to work or how commute to church? How close will we be to friends? You know how important that is for me? I don't want to be isolated. Will all this happen before the baby comes, who's due at he beginning of January? Random side note: maybe this baby, hopefully a girl, will be the first to be born in 2009 (Yay, free stuff). And then there is the after the baby stuff? How am I going to handle 3 kids under 4? Seriously, will I even have a life for the next 4-5 years? I've always been so concerned about losing my identity to my kids, but how do you not when there are three kids. There's no way I'd be able to get out of the house everyday with them, and I really like getting out, even if it's just to the gym. I'm so glad I don't have to do this alone. I do have a God who loves me, and was not surprised at all the see that plus sign show up on the pee stick. And I know he'll be with me every step of the way. And yes, there will be a few surprises, but nothing that I can't handle with Him by my side.
Trepidation, yes, a word to describe how I feel at this moment. But as a good friend once told me, "feelings are real, but they're not truth." Thank you Paige Boivin! I know these things will work themselves out over time, and what I think of as the future will soon be the present.
Tomorrow is my first doctor's appointment for the baby. Here's what I'm hoping to find out: there's just one baby, the baby is healthy, and is due at the beginning of January. Blake has his one year check up as well. I'm interested to see where he is with his height and weight. Hopefully he's made it back on the charts, and we can go ahead and turn him around in his car seat. It should be a fairly busy day at the doctor's office. Yay! Not to worry though, Neil will be with me. Man, I love my husband, could never imagine doing all of this alone.
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