The Morning Fog

As I drove to the hospital this morning, I was entrenched in a thick fog. They're forecasting a nice day with a rough start. That's how I feel about my Dad. For the last few days, Dad has had a difficult time getting started, like when you try cranking car and all it does is turn the engine over. Sometimes it takes a few attempts before it will start. Dad has been very groggy this morning, as most people are before pouring caffeine down their throats. He's refusing to eat and getting a little ornery with me (just like Dave Foster). Of course I remind him that I am his daughter and inherited his stubbornness (don't tell my husband I admitted that) and harrassability. He can dish it, and I can take it. By the afternoon, he normally comes out of it. He remains confused and "out to space," but is more awake and aware. I'm hoping today is like the rest.

I'm worried though. Hard to admit that, but I am. One of the biggest concerns at this point is his strength and the potential for pneumonia. If he contracts that, he won't recover; he can't. I've noticed a rattle in his breathing. It's subtle but it's there. They continue to pump him full of antibiotics to help prevent infection, especially of the pneumatic type.

He was eating really well up until dinner last night. Since then he hasn't eaten much of anything. This worries me even more then the pneumonia. If I can't get enough calories, fat and protein, he'll never regain his strength. He so desperately wants to go home, and we continue to remind him that in order to go home, he has to eat. Sometimes that is motivation enough to take a few bites, but a few bites is not enough. He needs at least enough to remain status quot, and then some if he wants to get out of here.

Yes, I'm worried, but I also know that my Dad is a Warrior. He's not giving up with out a fight. My fear is that he's getting tired of fighting. Right now, my plan is to stay through next Thursday, when I will leave to go to Warner Robins for my cousins wedding, and then I'll be heading home. It will be good to be home; I can't wait, but I return torn between my Dad and my life. I'd stay by his side forever if I could. Heck, if Neil we didn't need money, I'd suggest that we move here temporarily until I feel like I'm not needed anymore.

I'm guessing that Neil didn't get the Athen's job. It's been three weeks and he hasn't heard a thing. I get that the government moves like molasses, but I think they would have called by now if they were interested. If I'm being honest with myself, I have to say that I'm disappointed. Before he got that phone call, I was prepared to stay in Maryland. I was moving forward, looking at houses, preparing my house to go on the market. I was fine, and then Neil gets this interview, and my whole world flips upside down. Then this stuff with my Dad happens, and I realize I want to be here...for good. Of course I don't want to leave our life in Maryland, our church, the camp, or our friends.

I'm torn between two worlds, my past and my present, my family and my friends, the North and the South. Why does it have to be so difficult?