It's been 10 days since my dad passed. I'm back in Maryland attempting to reassimilate into my old life. Leaving Augusta, I literally felt like I was moving, exchanging one world for another. Though it is a familiar world, it still seems so foreign. As my friend Jen said, it's an opportunity for a fresh start; a new schedule, a clean house (thanks to Katy & Clare who cleaned my house, did my laundry, and stocked my fridge), a fresh perspective on life. But what I found yesterday, my first full day back, is that it's not as easy as it sounds. I feel lost, like I'm mentally and emotionally trapped between two worlds. My only goal yesterday was to clean out the car and unpack my suitcase. Clearly I didn't accomplish it, or maybe my tone today would be more peppy (who uses that word anymore?).
Today I'm taking my boys to the zoo with some friends of mine. I'm going to go, but ever since I committed to it, I keep wanting to back out. I'm not sure why, but it probably has something to do with all this confusion and emotional mess I find myself in. Reassimilating has just as much to do with reacquainting myself with my friends (and Owen's friends) as it does unpacking my suitcase. Maybe that's the problem; maybe, subconsciously, I feel like if I fully settle back into my life here then I've finished the last chapter and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of that yet. Better yet, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of him yet. I realize, consciously, that moving on with my life doesn't mean I have to let go completely. I'll never fully let go. It just feels like that.
The trip home was good. Neil took Owen, so I just had Blake and the dog. I took some time, and minutes, to catch up with some friends. As I was talking to Angela about the service, something occurred to me that both broke my heart and made me smile. As the family processed into the church, the mourners were singing "Be Thou My Vision." I knew at the time that this was the same song that I had walked down the aisle to at my wedding, but then, while talking with Angela, I realized that my dad had walked me down the aisle to that very song almost 7 years ago. So, now, every time I hear this old hymn, I will not only think about the joy of my wedding, but also the sadness of losing the man who gave me away at it. Ironically, I chose that song for the procession; I just didn't realize that we would be processing as well. I thought it would just be the clergy people (not sure what they call them in the episcopal church). Since I don't believe in coincidence, I can only conclude that God simply saw an opportunity to give me something special to treasure in my heart, triggered by a beautiful hymn. What a gift!
It's almost 8 and I need to run by Target (I missed my Target) to get coffee before heading for the zoo. For those of you that read my dad's blog, I'd love for you to stay in touch. Nothing touched me more then to read the hundreds of comments that came in over the last week. It's encouraging to me (and was to my dad) to know that so many people were inspired, and even found comfort, through his words. He thought the world of all of you. Sherry and I are hoping to turn his blogs into a book so that his legacy won't end with us, but will continue to encourage future warriors to engage in battle and win the war.
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