Thursday, April 24, 2008

Reassimilation

It's been 10 days since my dad passed. I'm back in Maryland attempting to reassimilate into my old life. Leaving Augusta, I literally felt like I was moving, exchanging one world for another. Though it is a familiar world, it still seems so foreign. As my friend Jen said, it's an opportunity for a fresh start; a new schedule, a clean house (thanks to Katy & Clare who cleaned my house, did my laundry, and stocked my fridge), a fresh perspective on life. But what I found yesterday, my first full day back, is that it's not as easy as it sounds. I feel lost, like I'm mentally and emotionally trapped between two worlds. My only goal yesterday was to clean out the car and unpack my suitcase. Clearly I didn't accomplish it, or maybe my tone today would be more peppy (who uses that word anymore?).

Today I'm taking my boys to the zoo with some friends of mine. I'm going to go, but ever since I committed to it, I keep wanting to back out. I'm not sure why, but it probably has something to do with all this confusion and emotional mess I find myself in. Reassimilating has just as much to do with reacquainting myself with my friends (and Owen's friends) as it does unpacking my suitcase. Maybe that's the problem; maybe, subconsciously, I feel like if I fully settle back into my life here then I've finished the last chapter and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of that yet. Better yet, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of him yet. I realize, consciously, that moving on with my life doesn't mean I have to let go completely. I'll never fully let go. It just feels like that.

The trip home was good. Neil took Owen, so I just had Blake and the dog. I took some time, and minutes, to catch up with some friends. As I was talking to Angela about the service, something occurred to me that both broke my heart and made me smile. As the family processed into the church, the mourners were singing "Be Thou My Vision." I knew at the time that this was the same song that I had walked down the aisle to at my wedding, but then, while talking with Angela, I realized that my dad had walked me down the aisle to that very song almost 7 years ago. So, now, every time I hear this old hymn, I will not only think about the joy of my wedding, but also the sadness of losing the man who gave me away at it. Ironically, I chose that song for the procession; I just didn't realize that we would be processing as well. I thought it would just be the clergy people (not sure what they call them in the episcopal church). Since I don't believe in coincidence, I can only conclude that God simply saw an opportunity to give me something special to treasure in my heart, triggered by a beautiful hymn. What a gift!

It's almost 8 and I need to run by Target (I missed my Target) to get coffee before heading for the zoo. For those of you that read my dad's blog, I'd love for you to stay in touch. Nothing touched me more then to read the hundreds of comments that came in over the last week. It's encouraging to me (and was to my dad) to know that so many people were inspired, and even found comfort, through his words. He thought the world of all of you. Sherry and I are hoping to turn his blogs into a book so that his legacy won't end with us, but will continue to encourage future warriors to engage in battle and win the war.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hillary, I posted on your April 16 blog. I was hoping you could say more about your dad's memorial sevice. I wanted to attend but could not. Just wanted to know the other songs that were sung and who spoke. I understand if you are not up to it yet. Take care, Robbie

Katy said...

Have fun at the zoo. I know it's hard to let yourself get back into your old life. It will take time to fully get back to it. I know you won't feel like it. But push yourself a bit ;-) I'll call you later to fill you in on my timing for tomorrow!

Love ya!

Stephanie & James said...

Hills, with you in heart. Our small group has been praying for you and will continue to. I hope that with time, you can reinvent yourself following all that you've been through. We are always changed by events in our lives, and that's not always a bad thing. It sounds like you've grown a lot.

Jo said...

I'm sure it is hard to go back to your 'old life' when it has changed so much.

It's okay to have fun. Your dad would want you to... I hope the zoo was great.

Love you.

Kara said...

Hey Hills,
I have often thought that weddings and funerals are very much them same: the procession, the congregation standing and sitting together, the emotions are mixed of joy and sadness, new endings and new beginnings. At the wedding bride and groom join in a holy mystical ceremony, at a funeral the beloved is joined to the Bridegroom in heaven. I don't think that it is a coincidence. That's just a few of my thoughts-rather incomplete, but there for you to share.
I love you and miss you. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

hi hillary- again, you don't know me but i check every day to see if there is anything new on your dads blog or yours. i wrote shortly after your dad died because i wanted you to know how hard it hit me when he died and i didn't even know him. my name is heidi and my dad, harry weisenberger, was someone your dad wrote about and quoted a few different times over the past year or so. my dad died in january so when i read your words i can feel so closely what you are feeling. from experience, i have to say there are things that get easier after 3 months and things that are much harder. i miss my dad immensly and wish he could be here so i could enjoy his sense of humor and he could enjoy my 3 toddlers and watch them grow old. if you ever want to talk to someone going through the same thing- feel free to email me at heidi.bauman@rcmt.com. i have talked to your dad in email a few times too. he is a gem like my dad! heidi

Anonymous said...

Hi Hillary, I am from your Dad's blog and I'll miss his humor and bravery. I'll continue to read yours to see how you are doing and will check Barnes and Noble for your and Sherry's future book! David was so open on his blog but we only knew him for 3 years. Putting his life in context would be a work of love. Thinking and praying for you....Bobby