Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Break in the Silence

I know I've been quiet lately, not in person so much as in my blog. There's been so much going on in my life, very little of which I could even discuss, much less blog about. Today I received some closure to the largest issue and not am able to open up a bit. Writing is like therapy for me. It allows me to drain the chaos swirling around in my brain, and ironically provides an opportunity to process what's there. I warn you though, I'm not sure how or what may come out, so be on the look out for road blocks, sharp curves, and abrupt stops.

A huge chapter of my life came to a close today, and it happened to be the chapter that spoke to my passion & ministry in life...Grace Adventures Day Camp. Shocked? I was too. Well, maybe not as shocked. It's not like I didn't see it coming, but sometimes no matter how much we prepare for a particular situation, we can never project exactly how we're going to feel when it happens. I knew my dad was dying, but when it actually occurred, when my heart and my mind met, it was devastating to say the least. Today I am heart broken, literally. Camp was a precious gift wrapped up in a glorious vision, given to me many years ago. I had the amazing opportunity to watch it come to fruition, to be part of something so big, it was doomed to fail lest God be in it, a small glimpse of heaven on earth. Please don't get me wrong. It is not camp that is coming to an end, just my role in it.

You might ask why? Why, Hillary, are you leaving something so precious to your heart? I've told you about the new church we're planting in our community, a branch off of Grace Community Church. Honestly, there was no question in our minds if we'd go, a no-brainer I'd say. We would probably have never left GCC on our own, never even crossed our minds. Sure, it's a trek down to Fulton, but that's where our community is, that's where we call home, our family away from our family. However, God decided to move our "community" to our actual community...like I said, no brainer.

It then came up that it might not be okay for me to remain in leadership over Camp and go with the new Fusion. I've known this question was out there for about 5 weeks now, and I'm happy to say that it's drawn me to the Cross, allowed me to lay down my fears, anxieties, and insecurities at His feet, but grappling with the choice of passion vs. community? I mean, how do you chose between two callings? Ultimately though, there is no real choice. I can't ask my family to uproot itself from their community in order to follow my passion. So when the choice was put before me today, I could, with confidence, chose my family, my church, my community.

Of course just because it was my choice does not in any way mean that I'm not completely devastated. Camp was my baby, my vision, my ministry. Leaving it will be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, right up there with moving to MD and watching my Dad slip away. But God is still God, sovereign, faithful, just. And it's clear to me and even to those around me that He is doing something big in my life. I have no idea what it could be, but in the midst of my sorrow, I'm excited to see what He has in store.

Throughout my life there have been many monuments, even before I was a believer, that I can look back on and see God's hand. It's in this time that I will choose to look back and see what He's done, to know that He's faithful, and that He is good. This summer I was given a verse, just days after these issues arose, a verse I cling to still today. "I am CONFIDENT that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Be strong; Take heart. Wait on the Lord."

I feel like the theme of my Summer was confidence. All my life, I've struggled with that very word. What is confidence? What does it look like? How can I be confident without being arrogant or self-righteous. I've realized that I'm not to be confident in myself, but in the Lord and who He has made me to be. "Being confident of this that He who began a good work in you WILL carry it on unto completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:6)" At first I thought that I was to be confident in my position at camp. After all, I'm 100% sure God called me there. And He did, but now it's time to move on. Does that change my confidence? It shouldn't. I'm to be confident, not in my circumstances, but in my God. Whatever road lies before me, whether I'm to focus solely on being a mom, or to dabble to bit in other interests such as writing or politics, or take on a huge role in this new community...I have no idea, but I'm confident it's going to be a bumpy and joyous ride.

For now, I'm going to focus on the positives, and doing what ever I can to close up shop in such a way that ensures success to my successors. I covet your prayers in the days to come. As I mourn, I ask that you lift me up, especially when the enemy comes and attacks my securities, and lies to me about the circumstances. It's so easy for me to buy into the pity parties. Please pray that I remain confident in Him who is good. And while your at it, lift up Camp. Pray that it too continues to be a glimpse of heaven on earth, that the vision will live on.

4 comments:

Uncle Dave said...

Hillary,

It is tough to reads words so heart felt and meaningful, especially when it involves separation from something you love. Just know that your personal impression, legacy will certainly prop up it's successors.

Furthermore, renewal is good and although I do not currently share same level of spiritual awareness as you, I aspire too.

Even without Camp, remember, You still have a fan club of many! and I am also certain you left a big set of shoes [sandals] to fill.

Dave

Tammy said...

Hillary,
I'm with Uncle Dave!!! I'm so proud of you and miss you so much. God will truly continue to complete what He's started in you and at Grace!
Our little Maddie is now at UGA missing home and camp, as she said today. God just keeps moving us on to things like college and new churches. He's in it all!
Love,
Tammy

Anonymous said...

Hi, Sweetie:

Do you by any chance know how proud I am of you? To look at this as a new opportunity, a new beginning from God and not to look back at the past as a loss, but as a starting place. Always stay where God plants you and you will continue to grow and blossom. You are beautiful and I love you.

Miss you,
Mom

My "word verification" is unsin.

Manuel Lopez said...

The discomforts of change are eventually outweighed by the rewards and blessings that follow. I have no idea where that came from. It just sprang into my mind and I had to send it your way.
Look to the future Hillary and trust in God and you will be fine.